American Kennel Club Harms French Bulldogs’ Health, PETA Says in Suit

This article explains that French bulldogs are so genetically unfortunate, that PETA is suing the AKC.  I didn’t read the article because the bulldog in the photo seems to have a lot of shit to deal with.  The article did motivate me to look up the 23 Healthiest Dog Breeds With the Least Illnesses.

Since beagles are number 2 on the list, I decided to rate those dog breeds on which is the best.  My rating is based solely on the photo and my ability to know what dogs are thinking.

#1 Beagle

“I’m glad you’re home.  I’ve got a funny story about a squirrel.  Or you can talk.  Wanna watch TV or eat some stuff?”

#2 Havanese

“Can I hang out with you?  Those squirrels don’t want to play with me, and the cats are all dicks.”

#3 Siberian Husky

“Wanna race to that tree?  I bet I win.  Wanna bet?  The loser has to eat some vegetables.”

#4 Bichon Frise

“Do you want to go for a walk?  If you carry me, I can walk really far.”

#5 Shiba Inu

“You think you can catch me?  Wanna try?  I’ll be pissing on your tires before you get to the parking lot.”

#6 Old English Sheepdog

“Am I supposed to follow you?  I don’t know how I got here.  Maybe they never told me.”

#7 American Foxhound

“Are you just going to sit there and drink beer all day?  We could go find some foxes if you can get off of your fat ass.”

#8 Poodle

“Did you get the picture yet?  I’m getting tired of smiling and there’s a nail poking into my ass.  Or maybe it’s a splinter, I don’t know, but you better have all afternoon to give me a bath.”

#9 Border Collie

“I hope you aren’t getting tired of frisbee.  I can go back to chewing up furniture, so we can quit whenever you want.”

#10 Chihuahua

“I hope she doesn’t try talking to us again.  Like I’m going to learn how to talk to a monkey.”

“She’s probably talking about bananas or throwing poop at other monkeys.”

#11 Miniature Schnauzer

“Are you sure you’ve had a dog before?  I don’t think you’re doing it right.  I know you’ve never groomed a schnauzer.  Maybe we should go to a professional.”

#12 Whippet

“Have you been watching me sleep?  How long have you been sitting there?  Jeez, now I’ve got another thing to worry about.  No, I’m not going back to sleep.”

#13  Australian Cattle Dog

“Don’t go getting the children all riled up, I just got them all off of the grass and on to the patio.”

#14 Basenji

“Is it okay if I sit on this?  That guy said I could sit here, or maybe it was the girl.  If you want, I can curl up in a corner or sleep behind the couch.”

#15 Dachshund

“That’s your sense of humor?  You think that’s funny?  Put me on the chair so I can’t get off, then you put food in my bowl and tell me to come and get it.  You are going to be so sorry.”

#16  Australian Shepherd

“Your neighbor has a bunch of squirrels.  If you have a box or pen or something, I can work on getting them contained.  Otherwise, I’m just going to mope around a bit.”

#17 German Shorthaired Pointer

“Look, I can flush pheasants all day, but if you aren’t going to shoot, then I’m wasting my time.  Are you just busting my balls?  Do you even have a gun?”

#18 Anatolian Shepherd

“Just stop.  I’m not going to fetch a stick or dance around with your kids.  If you can’t get me some cows or goats, then I’ve got nothing.  I’ll just lay here until something needs shepherding.

#19  Greyhound

“You want me to just run around like a dumb ass?  I want to run, but I need a reason.”

#20 Belgian Malinois

“There’s a terrorist or burglar.  You want me to take him out?  If it’s just a kid walking home from school, then why does he have a backpack?” 

#21 German Pinscher

“If we aren’t going to invade Poland, then what are we doing?  Do you at least have a fence that I can patrol.  Hold on, I see a hippie coming this way.  If it’s just a kid walking home from school, then why does he have a backpack?”

#22 Chinese Crested

“No I’m not a dog.  Who said that I was?  If you must know, I’m a warhorse for the wee folk.”