Choosing a retirement gift is tricky because you may not know the person very well.  Not just what does the person want or need, but what are they going to want or need after reaching a milestone that changes everything.

I’m going to help you.

You might be in a hurry, so I will get to the general suggestions before narrowing it down.

Brother PTH110 label maker:  Every man is a work in progress.  Not in the way that the wife wants, but  pursuing our own interests.  We’ve been busy, and have always meant to organize all this shit.  That’s why we like garage organizers and tackle boxes. 

When a guy retires, anticipate 6 to 12 months wrapping up lingering projects and getting organized.  A label maker is a great way to be productive while sitting down.  If he already has one, this one is a little bit better because technology advances, but not in a way where you have to learn how to use it.

Throw in a few spare cartridges if you want to stand out.

The New Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day:  Every woman wants to be appreciated for her skills, and being artisanal is a way to do that.  Baking your own bread sounds like somebody should take you to Tuscany, but nobody wants to screw around with sour dough and yeast and flopping dough just enough.  This book promises to streamline the process.

Every woman also wants to be special, and having a gluten allergy is one way to do that.  This book has a recipe for all popular maladies.  There are recipes, substitutions and alternatives to make it fancy, simple, sweet or savory.  She doesn’t have to ever bake the bread, but this book makes it an option.

Throw in a Dutch whisk if you want to stand out.

I gendered the gifts, but you can switch it up.  It’s not 1950 anymore, so men cook as much as women do.  Women have hobbies with a bunch of crap. 

If those suggestions don’t sound right, here are some guidelines.

Gift cards are out.  A gift card means you can’t be arsed to think for 2 minutes or haven’t been listening to your colleague for 20 years.

If it’s a departmental gift or someone you worked with often, some running joke gift can be part of it.  Give Milton his own frickin’ red stapler.  If the guy kept stealing your pens or using your coffee cup, work that in to personalize it.

A money tree is a good general gift.  They look kind of fancy, are low-maintenance and are symbolic of good fortune.

Like most gifts, something that references a personal connection is best.  Everyone has plenty of stuff and the retiree may pursue new interests, so don’t try for a practical gift.

When I retired from teaching the Science Department gave me a giant Erlenmeyer flask with a mad scientist quote, signed by each of my colleagues, and filled with an item from each person’s field of science.  Excellent.  It’s a personalized, ridiculous trophy that I value.

A few friends made me a diorama depicting a fictionalized account of our time together.  We hadn’t known each other well when we were assigned to staff the tutoring room for the year.   Students never came because it was called the ‘Learning Lab’.  We had to generate our own amusement.

We changed the name to ‘Happy Camp’.  It was like The Breakfast Club movie, but with fun instead of drama, and less dancing.  It was a nutty physics professor, a Croatian special ed smoke show, an English teacher who had much more depth than is expected from a strapping lad, and an ambitious history teacher of the year.   The diorama is meaningful to me because the time was meaningful to them.

The principal gave me a brass apple that was inscribed with something I can’t be arsed to read.  I threw it away.

I post this now because I was just labeling some stuff, and at Christmas, we think of gifts.  Teachers are usually eligible to retire mid-February, but many finish the school year. 

Everyone else retires on their own schedule.  The job becomes untenable or there is a management or work place change that doesn’t seem worth the effort.  Other people go as soon as possible or when they hit some threshold.  Since there is no ideal time to post retirement gift ideas, now seemed as good as any.