A guy doesn’t take a dump in the middle of the land bridge when he wants to celebrate his blessings.  Sparky is vexed about something.  He’s not great at articulating his feelings, but we gotta talk this out.

To ease into the conversation, I tried the Office Space quote, “Somebody’s got a case of the Mondays.”

Grumpy people always like hearing that.

“Remember the next line?  The one about getting your ass kicked for saying something like that?”

Jeez, Sparky, why are you so salty?

“Can anybody facilitate a Team Building Activity?”

Sure.  You want to do the next one?

“Yeah.  We’re going to play ‘Hide the Sausage’.”

“In the house!”

Uhhhhh . . .

I don’t know what you’ve got planned, but… wait a minute. 

You’re always talking about boundaries.  You’re the one who will only take a nap if we are laying head to feet.  Remember when you thought I wanted to spoon, and you got all creeped out?

Sparky, you’re the best dog, and I am very fond of you, but we need to maintain a professional relationship.

“What the hell are you talking about?  ‘Hide the Sausage’ is where somebody hides their poop, then everyone else has to try to find it.”

You call your poop, ‘sausage’?

“Yeah, what do you call your poop?”

I don’t call it anything, I just flush it down the toilet, and it’s gone.

“Is that what the white water bowl does?  Now it makes sense.”

What makes sense?

“Every Winter, when it snows and we are stuck in the house, I start a game of ‘Hide the Sausage’.  You find mine, but when it’s your turn, I can never find yours.”

So the only reason you never poop in the house, is because you are waiting for me to take my turn in our game of ‘Hide the Sausage’?

“Yeah.  And it’s more fun to do that wipey-wipey thing with my feet on grass, instead of a hard floor.  I can try it on the rug if you want.”

No, I don’t want.  Never poop in the house.

“Sure boss, but still.”

“Every winter, I lead the ‘Hide the Sausage’ Team Building Activity, and my initiative is never mentioned in my annual review.  That’s bullshit.” 

Yeah, okay, I will go back and update old performance reviews, but I’m not going to call it ‘Hide the Sausage’.  That’s something different.

The only time you ever played ‘Hide the Sausage’ was with your cousin Buster, and you didn’t seem to enjoy it very much.

“So ‘Hide the Sausage’ is …”

Just drop it.  We agreed to never talk about that visit.

“Okay, but since you brought it up, I don’t like the ‘Snuggle in the Cold Rain’ activity.  Under the blanket, all I can smell is wet dog, and that has unpleasant racial connotations.”

What racial connotations?

“How would I know?  After I barked at that Black guy, everybody said I was a racist.  Swear to God, I thought Maurice was a bear.  I don’t want to take any chances.”

You don’t seem to like storms too much either.

“Let’s quit doing TBA’s.  We do ‘Search and Rescue’, so maybe that’s good enough.”

Agreed.  I’ll take it out of the handbook.