Category: Sparky (Page 1 of 13)

I’ve been scanning and organizing old photos.

Sparky was getting bored with the project until we got to these photos from when I was an RA during my senior year at Ohio State.  I and the other new RA’s in the Barrett Complex where the fun group.  Lisa thought it would be a good idea if we got a pet rabbit.  Pets weren’t allowed in the dorm, so it seemed a little subversive.  Only a little because the dorm director and assistant dorm director were also new and in favor of fun.

It didn’t take much for Lisa to convince us.

We named him Travis, and rotated him around our rooms so housekeeping wouldn’t catch on.  He was smart.  Since we were RA’s, our residents came by pretty often.  We trained Travis to run into the bathroom if someone thumped on the floor.  He also did his dirty business in there.

Sparky thinks we should get a bunny.  I’m not so sure. 

My sister stopped by to make Sparky and I look silly.  That was nice.

Afterward, Sparky wanted me to explain Christmas.  He missed the point of the whole thing.  Now Sparky wants to meet a donkey so they could be friends, he accused me of making up camels because they don’t seem plausible at all and he wants to go to a stable.  With all that straw, there must be a bunch of mice, and chasing mice is even more fun than Mr. Moose.

Failing at the true meaning of Christmas, I switched to Santa Clause and gift-giving.  Sparky doesn’t understand gifts.  To him, if he sees a toy, he has a toy.  I asked if he wanted something special for Christmas.  Something that he always wanted, but that wasn’t a dead raccoon or rotisserie chicken.

Sparky wants a bunch of mice.  Not pet mice, but a bunch of mice running around the house.  I wonder why I even talk to him.

I’m getting Sparky a dog warmer.  It looks like this:

I’m not going to tell him about it, but just put it in his bed when he isn’t looking. Sparky would take umbrage at the suggestion that he needs pampering.

Sparky is fond of laying in front of a warm fire. The house is like 75^o, but he loves sleeping in front of the wood stove.  When I pet him, he is really warm.  He’s a hotdog that looks like a haggis.

It isn’t pampering.  With the wood stove, the house is warm, but my bedroom is cool.  It’s great for sleeping, but Sparky doesn’t have a fluffy comforter.  He wouldn’t want one, he is not for burrowing in to sleep.  In the evening, he wants to sleep by the fire instead of going into the bedroom.  That’s okay with me, he can do whatever he wants, but he eventually comes into the bedroom in case I need him for something.

In the morning, his ears are often cold.  That’s how you can tell a dog is too cold.

I am an accommodating guy, but people who let their dog sleep in bed with them, seem gross.  Sparky farts out of his mouth and has some glands in back that I don’t understand.  He isn’t allowed on the couch until I spread out a blanket. 

Besides, my bed is elevated, like this.

Sparky would spend the whole time peering over the edge, trying to judge whether or not he could survive a jump to the floor.  Darn it, now I want to put Sparky in my bed to see if he would  jump or not. 

He would be polite about it.  When I put him in bed, he would lick his paws a bunch of times to make sure they were clean.  A bunch of slobber from a guy who farts out of his mouth isn’t my idea of clean, but Sparky doesn’t agree.  Plus, those butt glands.

If he decided not to jump, he would spend the night sitting next to me, wondering what is expected of him.  Sparky wouldn’t lay down because that would seem creepy, like he wants to spoon or something.

So, Sparky gets a bed warmer.  I hope he doesn’t get me anything. 

If Sparky was a SAG member, he’d be the Billy Bob Thornton of dog actors.

Billy Bob Thornton has a great range.

Sparky can do that.

We need you to be a greyhound or one of those skinny runners.

Can you do a thoughtful St. Bernard or one of those softball thick kind of dogs?

You’re a vampire, ready to strike.

The doctor says, “Say, ahhhhh.”

Give me inscrutable Asian dog.

Sparky can go all day.

Sparky likes to say that old dogs don’t need new tricks, because they’ve got plenty of tricks up their sleeves.

Tonight, Sparky proved it.  It’s game over, man.  I don’t care how clever your dog seems, Sparky has them all beat.  [I’m only counting dogs IRL, not those tricky dogs on Youtube.]

It was like watching Penn and Teller.  You’re looking right at them, and you didn’t even know a trick was happening, much less how it was done.

Sparky pooped on top of a snow ball. 

Dogs leave messages through smells.  Poop is typing in all caps.  Sparky pooped up on top of a snow ball because he’s a boss.

Don’t be dismissive, and consider this to be a futile gesture because the snow ball will melt.  Dogs don’t understand phase change.  That would be missing the point.

I don’t know how he did it and  I was looking right at him.  Sparky and I have a mutual agreement not to watch each other poop, but it looked like he was just standing there.  He was backed up to the snow ball, and what I thought was his tail, wasn’t.  It was evening, but not so dark that a flashlight was needed to walk around.

When he walked away, I realized what happened.  Thinking quickly, I included my boot in the photo for scale.  A short time later, I took the photo at the top for reference.  The top of the snow ball looks to be at the same height or above Sparky’s butt. 

Sparky doesn’t poop haphazardly.  This was intentional and done subtly.  I’m impressed.

Here is an uncensored photo from a different angle.

Sparky is in favor of naps, so likes to hop up and flop over.   I have to hold him up and rub his belly.  If I stop for too long, he gets antsy.

 You’d think a guy would be self-conscious if his breath smelled like his poop, but Sparky thinks it’s funny.  I had a colleague at NoRo who thought it was funny to cut a silent, but deadly fart, then call a student up to his desk for a chat.  It’s fine, he was a coach and the student was one of his players.

I was taking a nap when Sparky thought it would be a good prank to hop up on the couch and blow into my face.  I almost gagged.

I don’t know why Sparky’s breath occasionally smells like poop.  He enjoys goose poop, but we don’t have geese here.  In cold weather, like now, Sparky likes to carry a frozen turd in his teeth like a cigar.  I’ve never gotten a photo, but he looks like this.

Sparky hadn’t gone outside in a couple of hours, drank water and played with Mr. Moose.  How can his breath smell like that?

My theory is that Sparky is a tube.  He can pee or poop whenever he wants.  We’ve gone on a walk, he’s taken a big dump, then if the situation requires it, taken another dump 5 minutes later.  Maybe he can fart out of his mouth.  That’s my theory.