Sparky is insubordinate.  Or he’s quiet quitting or protesting.  It’s hard to tell with beagles.

At the end of the evening, the lights, TV and computers are shut down, and that’s the signal that we are going out for the last comfort walk of the night.  Sparky knows all that.

Last night, he did his eyebrow shrug to acknowledge that it was dark.  When I got up and called him, he raised his head to make sure we weren’t talking about a car ride, then went back to sleep.  That cheeky bastard was trying to renegotiate.

Sparky is a free man with agency.  He can sleep where ever he wants, but there is order to be maintained.  After lights-out, all dogs will be taken outside to relieve themselves.  It’s like farting after a colonoscopy.  You just have to do it.

When it comes to manipulation and subtle persuasion, Sparky is a master, but I’ve got a few tricks.  After I stepped on a squeaky mouse and opened a bag, he came lumbering into the kitchen.  While I was hitching him up at the patio door, he was smiling and wagging his tail like mad.

When we go outside at night, Sparky is always at DEFCON 3.  He doesn’t screw around.  He told me that he is the sword in the darkness and the shield that guards the realm of men.  I think he watches too much Game of Thrones. 

After we came back inside, Sparky jumped in the snack pit as I locked up.  Then he went to bed like regular.

This morning, Sparky told me that last night was a shit test.  Occasionally, Sparky likes to test the perimeter fence like a velociraptor.  He needed to know if I could be corrupted or was still committed to good order and a wholesome house.   Sparky calls it a ‘shit test’ because he usually takes a shit in the house to establish the chain-of-command.  

Sparky’s policy is to run a shit test after our first good blizzard or within 15 minutes of entering a new house.  After our recent visit to Aunt Joanne’s Fun House, Sparky thought he should start being nicer and come up with a more subtle test.